A New Journey

It has been quite a while since I have been able to come and sit in front of my computer and pour my heart out onto the page. There have been many trials and tribulations this past year that have been extremely painful to bare. But, I am finally back at a place where I feel as if I can share again. So, I apologize for all the time off and I cannot promise that it won't happen again but for now, I am here.

To be honest with you, I haven't felt very comfortable with speaking about much to do with my faith and the affect it has had on my experiences. I think that it has mostly been out of fear. Fear that I will be judged for my beliefs which, has happened on many occasions in day-to-day interactions. Fear that I may annoy some of my friends or acquaintances with constantly talking about my religion and all the fulfilment I receive from the way that I choose to live my life. Because, let's face it, we Latter-Day Saints are a "peculiar people" with various misconceptions from outside sources looking in. However, I am no longer afraid. I have realized that I am not writing this blog for those people. I am writing it for the people who will benefit from my experiences complete with all of the layers and complexities that go along with them. This won't be a "religious blog" per-se but, it will no longer have vague references to my faith and everything that goes with it.

As of Monday I am officially a divorcé. I received the divroce order in the mail about a week and a half ago, along with a whole lot of mixed emotions that I did not expect to have. I have been ready for my marriage to be over for quite a long time. You see, it is hard to sit and watch your not-quite-yet ex spouse build a life with someone else when you, by choice, have decided to follow the standards that your faith teaches and not date until those papers are finally signed and your divorce is official. I am very grateful for those standards because they have given me the chance to spend the time that I needed to heal and learn who I was apart from him, apart from being a wife and a mother so that I could be ready and stable for when and if someone comes along.

I was watching a video the other day about a couple who were in a plane crash and the woman ended up with major burns all over her body. I can't imagine the pain that she deals with every day and in that video there was a quote from Jeffery R. Holland that states "When suffering, we may in fact be nearer to God than we’ve ever been in our entire lives." I believe this statement whole-heartedly. This past year there have been many ups and downs, there still are, but I have never felt closer to my Father in Heaven than I do now. I am so grateful for the experiences that I have had because they have moulded me into a better human, woman, mother, sister and friend. I am better able to look at those around me with love and care without judgements and with understanding. Sometimes I feel like I have been burned up in a fire like the woman in the plane crash but, I know that I am just being refined by the refiner's fire.

I am looking forward to getting this blog back up and going and sharing my experiences with all of you.

Letting Go

This past week has felt like one of massive personal growth for me. I have made some decisions in my life that have helped me to finally feel happy and content. Lately, I have been struggling with some pretty negative feelings towards myself and other people, as well as the events that I have recently been struggling with. I have been holding on to a lot of anger and it has literally been making me sick both mentally and physically. I am extremely blessed with some very intelligent people in my life who know, and can see, who I really am even when I cannot. These friends have given me some pretty great insight that has allowed me to finally let go of the anger. 

For those of you that don't know I have been dealing with a medical issue for the past year. It has greatly affected the quality of my life and the activities I am able to do. The doctors haven't been able to diagnose what is causing the pain that I have been dealing with and over the past couple of months it has been getting a lot worse. As of right now they are "pretty sure" it is scar tissue from my c-sections. They have also been "pretty sure" that it is Endometriosis, Crohns, Diverticulitis and the list goes on and on. I am fairly confident that it is scar tissue which means this is something that I could be dealing for the rest of my life. Coming to that realization made me feel very sorry for myself. How was I supposed to support myself and my children if I could barely make it through an eight hour work day? What kind of mom could I be if I was struggling with pain all the time? I was in full victim mode and it threw me into a fairly dark place. 

I was also struggling with some of the events that are stemming from my separation and divorce from R. I won't go into detail about them out of respect for him and for J and P. Let's just say I was really angry and very hurt. It was really effecting my ability to communicate with him about anything. We haven't been getting along very well and it isn't something I wanted for our children. I don't want our children to grow up with divorced parents who hate each other. I want us to be able to have a good relationship and we weren't going to get there if I kept holding on to the anger and the hurt that I had been. 

This week I have been able to let go. I have taken responsibility for myself and how I am going to let the events in my life, that are out of my control, affect my happiness. In the past I have very much needed control. This year has been a lesson to me on the amount of things in my life there are that I have absolutely no control over. It is hard to come to that realization, especially for a "control-freak" such as myself. Taking responsibility for my own emotions and my own thoughts feels freeing. I actually feel more in control than I ever have before.

Here are some cute pics of the kids to put a smile on your face too!

My Calling

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mom. I used to tell my parents that I wanted ten kids. Over the years that number has definitely dwindled, especially after having one child. I love being a mom. I feel as if I was called to the role of motherhood. I am not saying I am a perfect mother, or that it isn't difficult. Believe me when I say that it is the most difficult role that I have ever taken on. Although, I never imagined that this new journey I am on would be my life. I never thought I would be a single mother.

For the year before R and I separated he was working in the oil field. If any of you reading this are rig wives than you know that a lot of the time you are on your own. I had a lot of practice parenting solo before I actually became a single mother. For that, I am very grateful. I didn't, however, have to experience the difficulties of trying to support yourself and two kids. I never knew how difficult and exhausting it would be to work full time and have J and P in daycare only to come home and do all the duties I had as a stay-at-home mom. It isn't easy saying goodbye to them every morning. I wish I could spend all day with them...most days. But, the year before we separated helped me to realize how strong I really am.

I have always admired the strength of the single mothers I have known in my life. A particular one comes to mind. One of my best friends growing up, we will call him B, had a mother who was so hard working and such an inspiration to me. She had a no nonsense attitude and definitely put me in my place more times than I can count. She raised three boys all by herself. The middle one, who was my best friend, has grown into such an amazing, hard working and loyal man. I only hope to raise my children as well as she raised B. I am lucky to have so many amazing examples of strong capable women in my life. 

Some days my life and the gravity of my situation feels very heavy on my shoulders. Being a mother alone is a huge responsibility. But, being solely responsible for your children can be an even greater one. At this time in our lives J and P's dad isn't able to be around much so I am raising the children for us right now. He wishes that the situation was different and that he could be with them as much as possible but, unfortunately, that isn't our reality right now. 

As I look into their curious eyes and watch them take in the world around them I feel the deep responsibility that I hold in raising them to be fully functional, healthy adults. I can't protect them from everything as I wish I could. I have to let them figure out things on their own. These children have been given to me and are the greatest blessing I have ever received. I never knew what it would really feel like to be a mother. Daydreaming about it and the reality of being a parent are so very different. It is both amazing and extremely difficult to watch your heart walk around outside of your body. 

Joy in the Little Moments

I have friends who ask me "How are you doing so well?" If they only knew, is what I think to myself when I am asked questions such as that. The truth is it is finding joy in the little moments that helps. I am incredibly blessed. I have a wonderful family who loves and supports me. I have two beautiful children who I get to watch learn and grow. I have incredible friends who are willing to do whatever they can to help. Also, I have a belief in a Higher Power who is constantly there and helping me. 

There have been times for me, on this journey, that I have felt a darkness like no other clouding down around me. I have felt deep despair and loneliness. When you are going through a divorce at such a young age it can be very daunting. For me, it felt like I was a leper or something. That might sound dramatic but, it is how I felt. The fear I felt was overwhelming. I felt like this for a long time. Some days I still feel this way. This journey is so full of ups and downs sometimes I can't keep my head on straight. 

The joy I feel comes from recognizing that I have been taken out of a situation that was less than ideal. I have been given another chance at love and happiness. It comes from seeing the smiles and hearing the excited squeals of "Mommy! Mommy!" when I pick my children up from daycare. I feel it in the hugs from my parents knowing that the love they feel for me is like none other. I know that they will go to the ends of the earth to protect my children and I. I see it in my every day. When I get up in the morning and feel the sunshine on my face I know that I am blessed. Finding joy in these little moments is what helps me get through those rough times. I am so grateful for the ability to see through the mess and know that what waits on the other side is going to be incredible. 

The Five Stages of Grief

As I had mentioned in my last post, you can experience the five stages of grief in many different facets. Experiencing the stages isn't like a step latter. Unfortunately you cannot say “Oh, well I have experienced the denial, now let me move on to anger.” Everyone goes through this process in their own way. For me, I have experienced all five stages in the matter of a day, only to start the next day from the beginning again. It is a long hard process but, I believe that as time starts to heal our wounds we are able to better deal with the grief in healthy ways.

I don't think I really experienced denial but the anger was utterly overwhelming. I think the anger is something that protects us. It was so easy to be angry. How could he do this to me? How could he walk away from me and from our children? I was so furious for them. Coming from a family where my parents are still very much together this was new territory for me. I have a lot of friends whose parents are divorced and have seen the hurt that it has caused them. I never wanted my children to grow up without a two parent household. The statistics are scary. I was so mad that he had taken my dream away from me. I think that anger is the easiest stage of grief because it feels proactive. Anger is such a passionate emotion and hate is so close to love that it feels better to feel those emotions. And then, slowly the bargaining seeps in.

What if I did this, would he come back to me? Even though, like I said, I knew that it was over for good this time I still wanted to fix things. I was full of “if only I had's”, and the “I should haves”. If I only could have dealt with this habit that I didn't like better. Maybe if I had been a better wife, cook, lover he would have stayed. Unfortunately none of my rationalizations were going to change what had already happened. Too much damage had been done for us to get back to that place we were when we were so in love. Trying to fix something that had already happened wasn't going to get me anywhere.

The depression, it hit like a bus. I felt like I was drowning. Some days I couldn't even make it through five minutes without crying. Luckily for me I wasn't allowed to just lay in bed all day and turn the world off because I had J and P to look after. I also went camping with my family and some friends which really helped. It was hard to eat and almost impossible to sleep. I would have many nightmares about the situations regarding my divorce. I couldn't turn my brain off to fall asleep and then when I finally could I was awoken by these nightmares. I was heartbroken that my hopes and dreams of how our lives were going to be were trashed. I would have to go to work even though I was planning on staying at home with the children for as long as possible. Why didn't he mean his vows the way I had? Yes, we weren't happy but I thought we could have gotten there again. I thought that we were on the same page and that when I got back from my trip we would be proactive in making our relationship a priority. I was so upset that I had been wrong. Blaming him for everything was really easy. As I have been able to take a step back I know that it wasn't all him. I was to blame as well.

Lastly there is acceptance. I haven't fully gotten here yet. To tell you the truth some days I feel like I am back at the very beginning. I have accepted a lot to due with what has happened, but not all. I have come to terms with this being what is best. I feel like if I went back I would be taking the easy route because change is really, really scary. Even though it wasn't healthy it was familiar. I wouldn't say it was comfortable, but I had gotten used to it. It was normal for me. The part of acceptance I haven't reached is the indifference. I'm not at the point where I don't care about his life or actions anymore. I still care about him and what he is doing and I hate it. But, that is okay. Those feelings will fade and I will get to the place where I am indifferent.

I have started to build up my life again. After the walls of my life had crumbled down all around me I was so scared. Now, I am moving forward and it feels amazing. I have the blessings of my very own roof over my head, a really good job with a boss who is sympathetic to the mess that my life is in. Soon we will be moving into a three bedroom that is subsidized so my rent will be very manageable. Not to mention the two beautiful souls that I have been blessed with the ability to raise. So, when I am experiencing these stages and they feel overwhelming I remember that I have started to claw myself out of the rubble that was my life. I am making a life for my children and I. I am strong even though I feel as if I am the weakest of the weak. My hopes and dreams have changed and I look forward to realizing them. I am moving forward and nothing can stop me.

Survival Mode

My goal waking up in the mornings after that day was to just make it through an hour at a time. You see, going through a divorce is much like experiencing a death. Essentially it IS a death. A death of your marriage, your life as you know it. You mourn the life you expected to have, all the dreams and hopes you had for your life together with your husband or wife. My friends and family were full of beautiful condolences. All of the you deserve so much better's, and the it get's better just give it time's felt empty to me. How could this get better? I could literally feel my heart shattered into a million pieces. So, I tried to shut it all off but the pain wouldn't go away. 

I remember, so clearly, being in a room full of my loved ones but still feeling so alone. I was embarrassed. Why couldn't I make my marriage work? What was wrong with me? At the time I looked around and saw so many marriages that looked so perfect. I was so jealous. Jealous at what looked like pure bliss to me; everything I had ever dreamed of. Now, I know that no marriage is perfect. I know that everyone has their struggles and their ups and downs. But, to me at the time any marriage that was still intact was perfect in my eyes. 

My emotions were going haywire. I was all over the place. One minute I would be fine and the next I would just break down in tears. I wish that the stages of grief were linear but, they are not. You can experience all five stages within a day, or even five minutes. Luckily for me I had my children. They were honestly my saving grace. I was able to get lost in their joy. I wasn't allowed to let this deep feeling of betrayal and grief consume my life. I had to be strong for them. I tried my hardest to be present with them and I am so grateful that I was able to. I also have some really amazing people in my life who were able to drop everything and be by my side. My best friend M was able to come up from Maryland to spend a week with the kids and I so that I wouldn't be alone when my parents had to go away. I am so grateful for her being able to do that. I don't think she could ever understand how much she helped me that week. 

Through the pain and the grief I was able to rebuild some relationships with some amazing people whose friendships had fallen by the wayside. A really close friend of mine from my teenage years and I were able to become close again which is something I will be eternally grateful for. When someone decides to walk out of your life you have to let them. Please don't fight for someone who isn't willing to fight for you. That person walking out leaves room for others, new or old. People who actually want to be a part of your life. I am so blessed with wonderful people who are incredible examples to me. As hard as it was to let R go, to let our marriage and our family as I knew it go, it was for the best. 


P.S a funny little tidbit from my Aunt. She called me after she found out about R and I separating and said “Don't worry about it Chels. Second husbands are way better than first husbands anyways.” She had me laughing pretty hard with that one. Thanks Auntie!

How Do I Explain?

One of my first thoughts after I hung up from “The Call” was “How am I going to explain this to my children?” How do you explain something so grown up and difficult to two babies? I read everything I could get my hands on about divorce and how to explain our situation to the children. My heart hurt so deeply. I never wanted this to be my truth. But, unfortunately it was my reality and I had to figure out what I should do and how I could help my kids through this transition.

During my research all the books and articles said to sit them down together and tell them. To make sure they know that you both still love them and that it wasn't their fault. Well, R was a province away so that wasn't an option. I broke everything down to the basics and told them that their father and I love them very much but we feel very differently about each other. That we would be living in two different houses. I made sure that they understood that it would be better this way because daddy and mommy are tired of fighting and want them to have two happy homes instead of one unhappy one. I tried to make it sound exciting and as if it were a new adventure. It was honestly an excruciating experience that I wouldn't wish upon my greatest enemies.

The worst part for me, I think, was that this isn't the first time during J's short life that Mommy and Daddy had separated. When he was about ten months old we separated for a while. We separated the week before I found out I was pregnant with our daughter. It was a pretty intense few months for both R and I. Fueled with pregnancy hormones and the hurt of a broken relationship. I remember the conversation we had when he asked me if I thought we could work everything out, and have a happy marriage. I remember how completely shocked I was to hear those words come out of his mouth. At the time I wanted nothing more than to be a family. I would have given up everything just to have my husband home and have our daughter born into a loving family with her parents together. Things were great for a while but, the problems weren't fixed. Old habits started seeping back in because the work wasn't done that needed to be and alas, we ended up back where we were and separated again. This time it was different though. For me, as soon as I heard those words that he was saying during that phone call I knew I was done. For good. In all honesty I had wanted to walk away for a while but, I meant my marriage vows and I wanted to make it work. I felt that it would be easier to work out our problems then to walk away and tear our family apart.

It still hurts. Especially when J asks if mommy and daddy are going to be married again. Or, when he talks about daddy coming to live with us again. It doesn't get any easier having to explain it to him. One of his favourite things to pray about when we say our bed time prayers is his dad and I getting back together. It is heart wrenching because I wish I could give him the deepest desire of his heart. I know that in the long run it will be a much healthier environment for my children to grow up in with their father and I being apart but, that only makes this a little bit less excruciating. However, I know that our children know and can feel how much they are loved by both R and I and that is what is most important. All I can do as a mom is make the best of any situation or obstacle that comes our way.

Yours,

Chelsea

The Call that Changed Everything

 I have been wanting to start this blog for a while. I have made many excuses as to why I shouldn't but, ultimately it has been fear keeping from me from beginning this journey. You see, in my culture being divorced can be pretty scary. There isn't a lot of information or articles to read for those who are in my situation because in my culture we believe in eternal marriage. So, when I ended up separated and a single parent it was down right daunting. I would like to share my story and how I got to where I am today.

The call that changed my life came on July 17. I had just gotten to my parents house to visit them for my birthday week. My mom and I were out running errands with the kids and he called. I knew something was wrong, very wrong. We had barely talked for a week and I wasn't getting any text messages even though J, P and I had just flown from Alberta to BC the day before. It was really unusual behaviour so, when the call came and I heard his voice I knew in that moment that something had changed.

Let's go back to the beginning. R and I met in an elevator. I was visiting my best friend in Vancouver for her birthday and had just seen my ex boyfriend for the first time in a year. We went outside so that I could decompress and there he was, in the elevator. We couldn't take our eyes off of each other. Their building had a pool outside and there was a big commotion because some intoxicated teenagers had climbed the fence and jumped in the pool. As we were standing around watching the security try and get these teens out of the pool he says to me “you have really nice legs.” What a pick-up line. I was flattered and thought he had a really great smile so the conversation continued. It never really stopped from there. We fell madly in love and everything moved very quickly. Within a month we were living together and then six months later we were married. I look back on those days very fondly. When telling the story of how we met he used to say “she descended into my life like an angel from the heavens.” We were young, well I was, and crazy.

Fast forward back to July 17^th. Two kids later, a big move to another province and his job that kept us apart more often than we were together and here we were. Our relationship hadn't been going well for a while. I wouldn't say I was surprised when the call came but I was devastated. I was heartbroken for our children. I never dreamed that at twenty-four years old I would be headed for divorce and a life of single parenting. I never thought my husband would call me and say “I want to get a divorce.” As I write those words down again I can still feel the hurt and the fear that I felt in that moment. My marriage was over and there was nothing I could do to fix it.

That call came almost eight months ago and I can't even begin to describe what I have learned about myself, my children and about life since then. I am so grateful for all the support I have received along the way from friends and family. I couldn't have gotten through any of what this past year has thrown at me without them. I hope to explore some of those moments right here with you. I plan on sharing some of the deepest moments of sorrow as well as the moments of complete and utter joy. I have had plenty of ups and downs and I hope that my experiences and what I have learned from them can bless other peoples lives.

Yours,

Chelsea

Hi There

Hi there, welcome and thank you for visiting. I think I have written and re-written this opening post about a million times in my head. This is kind of scary, starting my own blog. Well, let me introduce myself. I am Chelsea. A young, just-about-divorced mother to two wonderful littles. I love music and dancing, playing board games like Settlers of Catan, watching movies and reading fabulous books...when I get the chance that is. Then there are my littles, J who is three and full of mischief. He loves to read and sing songs that he makes up as he goes. He is a fierce lover of playing with his toys as well as colouring and make-believing. And then there is P who is 22 months. Although, she thinks that she is the same age as her brother. She is a little diva who knows what she wants and how she wants it; she is a tiny little thing but can hold her own with the best of them. She loves to do absolutely anything that her brother is doing as well as give big kisses and hugs. 

Please join us on our journey from a family of four to just the three of us. There will be lots of laughs and probably plenty of tears as I figure out how to navigate these rough waters which are our lives. I look forward to growing and learning with you (especially if you subscribe.)

Sincerely,

Chelsea

Oh, Here is a picture of my cute little family. Excuse the funny faces but getting good photos at their ages is quite an impossible task!