My Calling

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mom. I used to tell my parents that I wanted ten kids. Over the years that number has definitely dwindled, especially after having one child. I love being a mom. I feel as if I was called to the role of motherhood. I am not saying I am a perfect mother, or that it isn't difficult. Believe me when I say that it is the most difficult role that I have ever taken on. Although, I never imagined that this new journey I am on would be my life. I never thought I would be a single mother.

For the year before R and I separated he was working in the oil field. If any of you reading this are rig wives than you know that a lot of the time you are on your own. I had a lot of practice parenting solo before I actually became a single mother. For that, I am very grateful. I didn't, however, have to experience the difficulties of trying to support yourself and two kids. I never knew how difficult and exhausting it would be to work full time and have J and P in daycare only to come home and do all the duties I had as a stay-at-home mom. It isn't easy saying goodbye to them every morning. I wish I could spend all day with them...most days. But, the year before we separated helped me to realize how strong I really am.

I have always admired the strength of the single mothers I have known in my life. A particular one comes to mind. One of my best friends growing up, we will call him B, had a mother who was so hard working and such an inspiration to me. She had a no nonsense attitude and definitely put me in my place more times than I can count. She raised three boys all by herself. The middle one, who was my best friend, has grown into such an amazing, hard working and loyal man. I only hope to raise my children as well as she raised B. I am lucky to have so many amazing examples of strong capable women in my life. 

Some days my life and the gravity of my situation feels very heavy on my shoulders. Being a mother alone is a huge responsibility. But, being solely responsible for your children can be an even greater one. At this time in our lives J and P's dad isn't able to be around much so I am raising the children for us right now. He wishes that the situation was different and that he could be with them as much as possible but, unfortunately, that isn't our reality right now. 

As I look into their curious eyes and watch them take in the world around them I feel the deep responsibility that I hold in raising them to be fully functional, healthy adults. I can't protect them from everything as I wish I could. I have to let them figure out things on their own. These children have been given to me and are the greatest blessing I have ever received. I never knew what it would really feel like to be a mother. Daydreaming about it and the reality of being a parent are so very different. It is both amazing and extremely difficult to watch your heart walk around outside of your body.