My goal waking up in the mornings after that day was to just make it through an hour at a time. You see, going through a divorce is much like experiencing a death. Essentially it IS a death. A death of your marriage, your life as you know it. You mourn the life you expected to have, all the dreams and hopes you had for your life together with your husband or wife. My friends and family were full of beautiful condolences. All of the you deserve so much better's, and the it get's better just give it time's felt empty to me. How could this get better? I could literally feel my heart shattered into a million pieces. So, I tried to shut it all off but the pain wouldn't go away.
I remember, so clearly, being in a room full of my loved ones but still feeling so alone. I was embarrassed. Why couldn't I make my marriage work? What was wrong with me? At the time I looked around and saw so many marriages that looked so perfect. I was so jealous. Jealous at what looked like pure bliss to me; everything I had ever dreamed of. Now, I know that no marriage is perfect. I know that everyone has their struggles and their ups and downs. But, to me at the time any marriage that was still intact was perfect in my eyes.
My emotions were going haywire. I was all over the place. One minute I would be fine and the next I would just break down in tears. I wish that the stages of grief were linear but, they are not. You can experience all five stages within a day, or even five minutes. Luckily for me I had my children. They were honestly my saving grace. I was able to get lost in their joy. I wasn't allowed to let this deep feeling of betrayal and grief consume my life. I had to be strong for them. I tried my hardest to be present with them and I am so grateful that I was able to. I also have some really amazing people in my life who were able to drop everything and be by my side. My best friend M was able to come up from Maryland to spend a week with the kids and I so that I wouldn't be alone when my parents had to go away. I am so grateful for her being able to do that. I don't think she could ever understand how much she helped me that week.
Through the pain and the grief I was able to rebuild some relationships with some amazing people whose friendships had fallen by the wayside. A really close friend of mine from my teenage years and I were able to become close again which is something I will be eternally grateful for. When someone decides to walk out of your life you have to let them. Please don't fight for someone who isn't willing to fight for you. That person walking out leaves room for others, new or old. People who actually want to be a part of your life. I am so blessed with wonderful people who are incredible examples to me. As hard as it was to let R go, to let our marriage and our family as I knew it go, it was for the best.
P.S a funny little tidbit from my Aunt. She called me after she found out about R and I separating and said “Don't worry about it Chels. Second husbands are way better than first husbands anyways.” She had me laughing pretty hard with that one. Thanks Auntie!
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