One of
my first thoughts after I hung up from “The Call” was “How am I
going to explain this to my children?” How do you explain something
so grown up and difficult to two babies? I read everything I could
get my hands on about divorce and how to explain our situation to the
children. My heart hurt so deeply. I never wanted this to be my
truth. But, unfortunately it was my reality and I had to figure out
what I should do and how I could help my kids through this
transition.
During
my research all the books and articles said to sit them down together
and tell them. To make sure they know that you both still love them
and that it wasn't their fault. Well, R was a province away so that
wasn't an option. I broke everything down to the basics and told them
that their father and I love them very much but we feel very
differently about each other. That we would be living in two
different houses. I made sure that they understood that it would be
better this way because daddy and mommy are tired of fighting and
want them to have two happy homes instead of one unhappy one. I tried
to make it sound exciting and as if it were a new adventure. It was
honestly an excruciating experience that I wouldn't wish upon my
greatest enemies.
The
worst part for me, I think, was that this isn't the first time during
J's short life that Mommy and Daddy had separated. When he was about
ten months old we separated for a while. We separated the week before
I found out I was pregnant with our daughter. It was a pretty intense
few months for both R and I. Fueled with pregnancy hormones and the
hurt of a broken relationship. I remember the conversation we had
when he asked me if I thought we could work everything out, and have
a happy marriage. I remember how completely shocked I was to hear
those words come out of his mouth. At the time I wanted nothing more
than to be a family. I would have given up everything just to have my
husband home and have our daughter born into a loving family with her
parents together. Things were great for a while but, the problems
weren't fixed. Old habits started seeping back in because the work
wasn't done that needed to be and alas, we ended up back where we
were and separated again. This time it was different though. For me,
as soon as I heard those words that he was saying during that phone
call I knew I was done. For good. In all honesty I had wanted to walk
away for a while but, I meant my marriage vows and I wanted to make
it work. I felt that it would be easier to work out our problems then
to walk away and tear our family apart.
It
still hurts. Especially when J asks if mommy and daddy are going to
be married again. Or, when he talks about daddy coming to live with
us again. It doesn't get any easier having to explain it to him. One
of his favourite things to pray about when we say our bed time
prayers is his dad and I getting back together. It is heart wrenching
because I wish I could give him the deepest desire of his heart. I
know that in the long run it will be a much healthier environment for
my children to grow up in with their father and I being apart but,
that only makes this a little bit less excruciating. However, I know
that our children know and can feel how much they are loved by both R
and I and that is what is most important. All I can do as a mom is
make the best of any situation or obstacle that comes our way.
Yours,
Chelsea
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