The Five Stages of Grief

As I had mentioned in my last post, you can experience the five stages of grief in many different facets. Experiencing the stages isn't like a step latter. Unfortunately you cannot say “Oh, well I have experienced the denial, now let me move on to anger.” Everyone goes through this process in their own way. For me, I have experienced all five stages in the matter of a day, only to start the next day from the beginning again. It is a long hard process but, I believe that as time starts to heal our wounds we are able to better deal with the grief in healthy ways.

I don't think I really experienced denial but the anger was utterly overwhelming. I think the anger is something that protects us. It was so easy to be angry. How could he do this to me? How could he walk away from me and from our children? I was so furious for them. Coming from a family where my parents are still very much together this was new territory for me. I have a lot of friends whose parents are divorced and have seen the hurt that it has caused them. I never wanted my children to grow up without a two parent household. The statistics are scary. I was so mad that he had taken my dream away from me. I think that anger is the easiest stage of grief because it feels proactive. Anger is such a passionate emotion and hate is so close to love that it feels better to feel those emotions. And then, slowly the bargaining seeps in.

What if I did this, would he come back to me? Even though, like I said, I knew that it was over for good this time I still wanted to fix things. I was full of “if only I had's”, and the “I should haves”. If I only could have dealt with this habit that I didn't like better. Maybe if I had been a better wife, cook, lover he would have stayed. Unfortunately none of my rationalizations were going to change what had already happened. Too much damage had been done for us to get back to that place we were when we were so in love. Trying to fix something that had already happened wasn't going to get me anywhere.

The depression, it hit like a bus. I felt like I was drowning. Some days I couldn't even make it through five minutes without crying. Luckily for me I wasn't allowed to just lay in bed all day and turn the world off because I had J and P to look after. I also went camping with my family and some friends which really helped. It was hard to eat and almost impossible to sleep. I would have many nightmares about the situations regarding my divorce. I couldn't turn my brain off to fall asleep and then when I finally could I was awoken by these nightmares. I was heartbroken that my hopes and dreams of how our lives were going to be were trashed. I would have to go to work even though I was planning on staying at home with the children for as long as possible. Why didn't he mean his vows the way I had? Yes, we weren't happy but I thought we could have gotten there again. I thought that we were on the same page and that when I got back from my trip we would be proactive in making our relationship a priority. I was so upset that I had been wrong. Blaming him for everything was really easy. As I have been able to take a step back I know that it wasn't all him. I was to blame as well.

Lastly there is acceptance. I haven't fully gotten here yet. To tell you the truth some days I feel like I am back at the very beginning. I have accepted a lot to due with what has happened, but not all. I have come to terms with this being what is best. I feel like if I went back I would be taking the easy route because change is really, really scary. Even though it wasn't healthy it was familiar. I wouldn't say it was comfortable, but I had gotten used to it. It was normal for me. The part of acceptance I haven't reached is the indifference. I'm not at the point where I don't care about his life or actions anymore. I still care about him and what he is doing and I hate it. But, that is okay. Those feelings will fade and I will get to the place where I am indifferent.

I have started to build up my life again. After the walls of my life had crumbled down all around me I was so scared. Now, I am moving forward and it feels amazing. I have the blessings of my very own roof over my head, a really good job with a boss who is sympathetic to the mess that my life is in. Soon we will be moving into a three bedroom that is subsidized so my rent will be very manageable. Not to mention the two beautiful souls that I have been blessed with the ability to raise. So, when I am experiencing these stages and they feel overwhelming I remember that I have started to claw myself out of the rubble that was my life. I am making a life for my children and I. I am strong even though I feel as if I am the weakest of the weak. My hopes and dreams have changed and I look forward to realizing them. I am moving forward and nothing can stop me.