Letting Go

This past week has felt like one of massive personal growth for me. I have made some decisions in my life that have helped me to finally feel happy and content. Lately, I have been struggling with some pretty negative feelings towards myself and other people, as well as the events that I have recently been struggling with. I have been holding on to a lot of anger and it has literally been making me sick both mentally and physically. I am extremely blessed with some very intelligent people in my life who know, and can see, who I really am even when I cannot. These friends have given me some pretty great insight that has allowed me to finally let go of the anger. 

For those of you that don't know I have been dealing with a medical issue for the past year. It has greatly affected the quality of my life and the activities I am able to do. The doctors haven't been able to diagnose what is causing the pain that I have been dealing with and over the past couple of months it has been getting a lot worse. As of right now they are "pretty sure" it is scar tissue from my c-sections. They have also been "pretty sure" that it is Endometriosis, Crohns, Diverticulitis and the list goes on and on. I am fairly confident that it is scar tissue which means this is something that I could be dealing for the rest of my life. Coming to that realization made me feel very sorry for myself. How was I supposed to support myself and my children if I could barely make it through an eight hour work day? What kind of mom could I be if I was struggling with pain all the time? I was in full victim mode and it threw me into a fairly dark place. 

I was also struggling with some of the events that are stemming from my separation and divorce from R. I won't go into detail about them out of respect for him and for J and P. Let's just say I was really angry and very hurt. It was really effecting my ability to communicate with him about anything. We haven't been getting along very well and it isn't something I wanted for our children. I don't want our children to grow up with divorced parents who hate each other. I want us to be able to have a good relationship and we weren't going to get there if I kept holding on to the anger and the hurt that I had been. 

This week I have been able to let go. I have taken responsibility for myself and how I am going to let the events in my life, that are out of my control, affect my happiness. In the past I have very much needed control. This year has been a lesson to me on the amount of things in my life there are that I have absolutely no control over. It is hard to come to that realization, especially for a "control-freak" such as myself. Taking responsibility for my own emotions and my own thoughts feels freeing. I actually feel more in control than I ever have before.

Here are some cute pics of the kids to put a smile on your face too!